What The Hell Am I Even Doing?

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I stared at the e-mail for what felt like a good long minute, going over the text and then re-reading it as if I had to make sure no small detail had gotten past my alert mind.

“Renew your ‘GameTimeArt.ca’ domain now before it expires December 31, 2016” It said.

Or something like that. That was the jist of it anyway. I don’t really know as I wasn’t paying that much attention to the e-mail actually.

“Alert mind”

The yearly lease is due on my little digital home. Wait, is it a lease? The rent is due. I’m renting out a spot within the internet with this.. I don’t even know what I should call *this* any more… is this even a blog?

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around, does it make a sound?

If a person owns a blog and never really writes in it, is it still a blog?

It is a website. That much I know. It’s my website. It’s feels a tad fitting that it’s sparce and underutilized and not really living up to the potential it could have been.

Yup. It belongs to me alright. Don’t even need to have my name on it to know.

As I go over the e-mail again – and why am I? It is only like six lines in total, five of them being the different prices I am looking at to renew and then a sixth just reminding me for good measure that I need to renew by the 31st… or else. As my eyes stare blankly at the screen, I contemplate if I should even bother. I’ve done four total ‘posts’ here over the last 365 days… I know a year ago that I intended to write something every week and couldn’t even manage to write something every month.

I *did* manage to write something per season though. In fact, I surpassed that goal that I literally just set for myself just now the moment I realized I could achieve it. So that’s something. Moral victory!

Fun Fact – I had planned to name this blog.. website.. corner lot in a shady area of the internet.. I planned to call it “Moral Victory” because I actually love the idea of moral victories as a concept. Taking positives out of a losing situation. That’s probably more fitting for me than a sparse website. I don’t do a whole lot of things well, but I do find ways to try and spin a positive out of a negative in a neat and tidy way. The only thing that stopped me from going with the name was that the best I could do for a Twitter handle for the blog (because a good blog needs a Twitter even if the person who owns that blog has his own twitter account already) was @MoralVic since @MoralVictory was already taken and @MoralVic was pointless… So I just said screw it and went with my typical user name dot C A.

Why renew at this point? It’s time to be honest with myself, I’m not cut out for writing in a blog.

Ok, that’s not true. I write usually once a week for JetsNation.ca either doing recaps or previews or answering questions as I pretend to know something about hockey.

Only thing is I’m feeling a bit bored by writing there.

Wait, that came out wrong. Not bored.. I enjoy it still.

“Creatively stifling”

Yeah, that works.

There are only so many ways I can say “Oh no, the Jets suck again this year!” even though I’m only in my second year of doing so. Maybe it’s because I had to try and find so many ways to say “Oh no, the Stars suck again this year!” for about three seasons over at Defending Big D before feeling a bit burnt out and now I feel like I am in the same loop with just a different hockey club.

I figured this website would be a nice counter balance. A way to get other thoughts out of my head that didn’t include the topic of why I still remain hopeful about a hockey club when all hope is lost.

Hasn’t really worked out that way has it?

I’m not cut out for writing a personal blog.

There it is.

I’m kind of a quiet, private guy in reality. Partly because I don’t want my life’s details out in the wide open and people judging me off that, and partly because I really don’t think people give a shit to read anyway which I do realize now contradicts the first issue I have, but that’s where I’m at with it.

And I have Twitter. I love Twitter. That’s where I write in short little outbursts about life, sports, things that annoy me, things that amuse me.

There have been times I’ve ranted on Twittter and in the middle of those rants, I think “I could just put this on my blog..”

Fuck it. TWITTER RANT AWAY GOOD SIR!!!

At least that way more than two people may see what I’m writing and give me feedback.

So… Then I shouldn’t renew, right? What’s the point? Because I’ve always had a ‘personal website’ going back to the Geocities and AngelFire days?

I hate the whole “Do it just because that’s what has always been done” trope, right? Time to break one of my own.

So I deleted the e-mail. Enough. No more blog. No more ‘personal website’ for me. I’m Kenny Rogers (the singer, not the baseball player) and it’s time to know when to fold ’em.

I sigh. Was that a sigh of content? Huh, strange. I typically know what my sighs are.. That didn’t seem like ‘content’ just then.

No more personal website. I write for JetsNation and my Twitter and…

I still have a lot of other things I want to say. Do I even care if people care? Do I care if they judge? I mean I’ve said in the past I don’t when I really do but now do I?

Yup. I do.

I don’t.

I do, but I’m rapidly approaching the point I don’t. When I get to that place where I don’t, isn’t it a good idea to have this just hanging around for when inspiration strikes?

I guess it comes down to one simple fact:

I’ve wasted a lot more money on more useless things than this.

Maybe this time will be different. I feel a bit inspired by this whole deal. *This time* I’ll write once a week.

HA. I know how that turns out.

No, for really real now.

I go into the trash file, restore, click the link, and ‘renew’ everything.

This post is gonna be funny to me in about a year. Or depressing.

Both.

It’ll be worth the money.

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